I have anxiety. I was diagnosed with anxiety when I was 16 years old. My counselor informed me that I was the poster child for anxiety and on a scale from 1-10 my anxiety was a 9.5 or a ten, but let me explain how I got to this point. A year and a half prior to this appointment I thought I caught a bad virus. This was concerning but not overly so until a month passed and I hadn't improved. I woke up in the middle of the night with what was later identified as a panic attack but at the time I didn't know what it was. I woke up shaking violently with my heart pounding so loud I could hardly hear and beating against my chest so hard it was painful. I could hardly breathe and no matter how much air I sucked in it felt like it didn't get into my body. I couldn't scream and I felt like I was under water. It was a terrifying experience. On top of that I was freezing all of the time, usually wearing a sweatshirt and a hoodie or two inside my house. I woke up extremely nauseous every morning and threw up most mornings. I had headaches and pain in my abdomen, was dizzy all of the time, and began rapidly losing weight. I couldn't sleep at night and had a very hard time staying awake in the daytime. I experienced heart palpitations and chest pains and all but lost the ability to keep food down. I was a straight a student who now struggled to complete 2 school subjects a day. I was painfully tired and exhausted all the time. I constantly felt like I couldn't breathe and suffered from panic attacks almost daily. This went on for 3 months. My parents and I decided that this wasn't normal and shouldn't last this long. My mom took me to the doctor. They ran some tests, I was screened for chronic illnesses, they tested the function of all of my major organs, they did tons of bloodwork and they couldn't find anything. They sent me to a Cardiologist who said I had the healthiest heart he had seen in a while. Over the course of the following year I went to 5 different Pediatricians, some who seemed to consider me a hypochondriac. I only worsened and continued to lose weight. Tests were rerun and no one could seem to figure out what was wrong with me. I couldn't believe this had lasted a year and showed no signs of stopping. Some people who knew me well and knew what was going on mentioned that while I probably did have a medical issue, I may also be suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. I completely dismissed this possibility. I refused to have anxiety. I wasn't even worried about anything. Sure my life was stressful but surely I could handle it. Secretly I wondered what people would think of me if I had anxiety. I thought it meant I was weak and crazy and that I couldn't handle my own life. The funny thing is I knew plenty of people who had anxiety and never thought less of them. Surely, however, if I had anxiety, there was something wrong with me. Finally I was desperate enough to go see a counselor. I wanted relief and didn't care how I got it. Finding out I had anxiety was a mixture of feeling crushed and relieved. At least this wasn't all just in my head. I only intended to tell a handful of people I even had anxiety. The first person I told was my friend I mentioned in a previous blog post. I thought surely he wouldn't want to be friends anymore and even if he did things would never be the same. Despite all this he had to know. I just couldn't lie to him. I was shocked when I told him and he looked me dead in the eye and said simply, "Okay, how can I help?" I thought he had to have misunderstood me but much to my surprise and delight and he simply didn't care. To him, I was still me and nothing had changed. This simple interaction empowered me to open up to others and I discovered many people had anxiety, many of them were people I had known for years and they just never told me. For a while I wrestled and struggled to accept the fact that I have anxiety and I do but through this experience I have also discovered, my anxiety does not define me. Anxiety is something that I have, not something that I am. Something else you need to know is anxiety is something that can be overcome. I have never needed medication for anxiety. I have worked very hard and in addition to not needing medication, anxiety does not typically affect my day to day life at all. I still sometimes struggle with my health issues ( to this day no one has been able to figure out exactly what is wrong with me and I have been to a couple additional doctors ) but it is not nearly as bad as it was and I can live a normal life. I have to be careful not overexert myself but I am still thriving. There is a fine line between accepting you have anxiety and not letting it define you. I have walked this line and am overjoyed to say that I am usually able do both with the support of others. If you have just been diagnosed with a mental illness or have been struggling with one for many years I just want you to know THERE IS HOPE. Other people have done it! Reach out to others and cling to God and you can get through this. A mental illness is something you have NOT something you are and it does not have to define you.
LOVE,
KENZIE
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