The Secrets of the Introvert

I am an introvert. When I was younger I had a lot of extroverted tendencies and sometimes think I was possibly an extrovert. As I got older I realized I was an ambivert. An ambivert can get energy from being around people or being alone. As I get older I tend to get more and more introverted but still consider myself a social introvert but we'll get into that more later. I don't place a lot of importance on being an introvert or an extrovert, I don't think either one is better than the other and I have friends on both ends of the spectrum. When I was younger I didn't think anything of being either. As I got older, however, it became very apparent that there are a lot of misconceptions on both sides. I am hoping by writing this blog post other introverts can relate and extroverts will be able to understand introverts a little better. That being said This post is based solely on my own personal experience, not all in introverts are going to be exactly like this but I'm hoping this is a good start.
Secret number one:
1). Not all introverts hate social events and parties.
My two closest friends are introverts and have said the same thing, I love social events! That being said I don't love going places where there are tons of people or where I don't know anyone. I love birthday parties and hanging out with friends. I will say I don't like going places constantly and I definitely need time to regroup between events but if I am comfortable I get really excited and can go and be the life of the party.

2). Most Introverts are warm and caring people.
As I get older I realize that some people perceive me as cold, distant, aloof or judgmental before they get to know me. This really hurts me because you will be very hard pressed to find someone who cares more about people than I do. This often happens when I meet someone when my friends are not around or I am not in my element. When I find out about this I always wish so hard they could see me when I am in my element, floating around and smiling and talking and chatting. Alas, I have still not found a remedy to this problem.

3). Introverts have deep feelings.
Just because we tend to hide our feelings, does not mean they are not there. All of the introverts I have met are actually so emotional the magnitude of their feelings scares them. They are used to being perceived as weak or weird so they try to hide their feelings for fear of getting hurt. This can actually happen even more when they are in relationships or really like someone which can very much frustrate the person we are in a relationship with especially if the person we are in a relationship with is an extrovert. The extrovert thinks the introvert must not care as much about the relationship as they do when really the introvert may actually care more. They are just terrified to show it or don't know how and are extremely reserved by nature.

4). Introverts show love differently than extroverts.
Introverts show love in the little things that go easily unnoticed. They will seldom if ever make grand gestures to show their affection but if you pay close enough attention you will notice the little things they do to try and make you feel special.

5). Introverts don't like small talk... but also don't like to be asked personal questions right away.
I will admit this one is super confusing. I can small talk but typically only for so long unless the person I am talking to is really good at small talk. I also find it unfulfilling and crave deep conversation. That being said if you try to pry into my personal life and thoughts and force me to talk about things I am uncomfortable with, eventually I will completely clam up and avoid you. The best way to get an introvert to open up is to just be honest and open about your life, but be genuine.

6). Ask and you will receive.
I am not sure if this is true for all introverts because I have never talked about this with anyone ever but if you want to know anything about me you have to ask. I will not under any circumstances just volunteer information about my life unless we have been friends for at least a year and even then it might not occur to me. I will try to keep the conversation going by thinking of more questions to ask you. Even if we are talking about pets if you want to know if I have a pet you have to ask. If we are talking about instruments and you want to know if I play an instrument you have to ask. If we are talking about books and you want to know what my favorite book is you have to ask. I don't know why I'm like this, I think I'm afraid people will think I'm boring. But if you want to know something about me just ask!

7). We don't like to be pushed.
Even though I appreciate being asked things, if I seem hesitant don't push me to give an answer. Introverts are typically very hesitant about sharing things. They keep to themselves for a reason. Pushing me to tell you something will only cause you to be frustrated and for me to become defensive and uncomfortable. I will typically give you a vague answer to a question even if I don't want to answer it. Even if it's extremely superficial just accept it for the time and move on. As I trust you I will naturally open up more. You can ask me again at a later date, that's fine but if I'm obviously uncomfortable with a question or keep giving vague answers don't push me at the moment. If you want you can just tell me I can always talk to you about anything whenever I want but only say it if you mean it. I will open up eventually if you are patient.

8). We need time to think.
We want to be open but we need to be able to trust you. Communicating our personal thoughts and feelings don't come naturally to us. It's not always that we're trying to be secretive.We don't always know what to think or we don't know how to communicate it. We appreciate space and time and it's not uncommon for us to randomly bring up something we talked about days ( yes days ) ago and finally have an answer or a thought about it. It's just that we need time to formulate and answer and figure out how to say it.

9). Introverts usually like the way they are.
Sure I wish I could be more confident or talkative sometimes but I genuinely like sitting at home with a book and I don't want to change it. I like relaxing and I like not rushing to activities every night of the week. I find it frustrating when people can't see that and accept me the way I am.

10). We are not broken.
It is not always a disadvantage that we like being home and relaxing and we don't appreciate people constantly trying to "fix" us. We truly just want to be accepted for who we are and better yet, if extroverts tried to enter our world to better understand us from time to time.

This is in no way an exhaustive list and will vary from person to person but I hope if you're an extrovert you can better understand introverts and I hope if you're an introvert you feel less alone :)
LOVE,
KENZIE

Thriving When You're Lonely

Loneliness. It is something everyone has experienced. I'm sure it is even harder now with everything going on in the world. When I first heard my state was going on lockdown I panicked. I wasn't even super nervous about Covid 19, I didn't want to not be able to leave my house. Thankfully for one I am an introvert and laying around reading books is my happy place, plus I have four very entertaining younger siblings. I am also not saying loneliness is the result of being shut up in our homes, quite the opposite actually so listen up. I think we are all lonely. I know this because I have spent my whole life feeling lonely and I thought it was just me.Then after writing my post about anxiety, so many people contacted me saying "I thought I was the only one." The funny thing was I wrote that blog post because for years I thought I was the only one. As a child, I had a very unusual and frightening experience. My closest friends know about it but it's not something I walk around telling everyone. I went on a retreat in February and a girl I have known for couple of years shared a frightening experience from when she was younger. The experience was shockingly almost identical to mine. Later that night I shared my experience and we discussed how so many people think they are alone. They carry these burdens thinking no one will understand when really all too many people do understand. One must only have the courage to open up to find that actually too many people understand. One of the reasons lockdown makes us feel lonely is because we are masters of distraction. We have jobs and schools and activities... so many activities, and sports and clubs and groups and social media all carefully designed to keep us busy, to hold our attention so we don't have to face the fact that we feel SO ALONE! THAT WE JUST WANT TO SCREAM! THAT WE KNOW SO MANY PEOPLE BUT NOBODY KNOWS US! Yet we dare not tell anyone because no one would ever understand even though we all go through the same thing and we go to sleep at night and we wake up in the morning just to do it all over again. Then we still feel empty so we do more things and more things and more things and we still feel empty but we still haven't realized that no amount of things can fill the hole in our heart. Then we go to church on Sunday to smile and sing songs and hear an inspiring message and we forget it and we go home and start doing things to prepare for the things we will jump back into on Monday with no difference and no change yet we still can't figure out why anxiety and depression run so rampant. I am not trying to bash work or school or activities as they are things we sometimes need to do or enjoy doing and I am certainly not saying anxiety and depression will just go away if we do less things. What I am challenging you to do is look at why you do so many things. Is it really because you enjoy them, or is it to hide. How do we feel so lonely when we come into contact with so many people? It's simple really. We don't really try to get to know people. Our relationships are platonic and we avoid discussing anything deep because we don't want to stir the pot and no one would understand really. We don't have time for friends and who needs friends anyway when we are so good at distracting ourselves. In order to not feel lonely we have to lean on God and others. There is no way around that. Only God can carry us through life and he gave us each other because God said himself it is not good for man to be alone. We often say we just need more time. I have news for you, we have hit the time lottery! The whole world has been paused. It is a whole lot harder to distract ourselves. Now we are just surrounded by our loneliness. For me however, I have known a deeper connection with others during this and have actually been more intentional with relationships and have gotten to really talk to and get to know people I haven't talked to in a while. I have gotten to spend more time with my siblings and have made the time to read my Bible and pray and help others. Don't waste all this time you have been blessed with, you may look back and long for it. And please, certainly don't read this and just go on with your business as usual and jump headfirst back into this rat race called life.
LOVE,
KENZIE

Why I Don't Hate Men

There is a trend in our culture that has been around for a while but that in my opinion has become even more pronounced lately. This trend is empowering women. Now, don't get me wrong, I am a woman and am very glad women have rights and are taken seriously in our culture. I do think women should get equal pay and have the right to vote. I am glad that I have a voice and that I live in America. What bothers me is when "empowering women" leads to belittling men. I at any given time tend to have more guy friends than girl friends. I have always wondered why this is but never have been able to find a reason. I guess I just tend to naturally get along with guys well. I also have 3 brothers (I have sisters too). That being said I know a decent amount about guys and they deserve to have a voice too. I also happen to know that guys have feelings too. I know anyone would say that they know that but I don't think our words always reflect that. I'm not anti-women or anything (like I said I am a woman and enjoy having rights) but I think in the fight to have a voice we have to be careful not to silence the voices of others. Women are strong and we don't need to push others down to appear stronger. Now obviously I don't think women actually hate men but I do think men tend to get torn down in order for women to get built up and I do think that's a problem. There are some topics today that some women don't want men to have a say in. However, if women want a say in everything shouldn't men have a say in everything also? Isn't that equality? Some guys have even told me they are scared to open doors for girls anymore because the girls just say, "I can open a door myself." Clearly you can open the door yourself. I have never thought by opening doors for you guys are assuming you can't open the door yourself. I guess I just wanted to write this post to remind everyone that you don't have to tear others down to build yourself up, not all guys are bad and guys have feelings too.
LOVE,
KENZIE

Thriving When it Wasn't Supposed to be this Way

"It wasn't supposed to be this way." This seems to be one of the themes of my life right now. My life is in no way, shape or form anything like I thought it would be. That is saying a lot considering I had TONS of plans for my life. I had plans a-z mapped out just in case something didn't go exactly right and I had plans for my plans. My life is completely different from how I thought it would be and my life is very different from most people's in general. I once stopped and literally thought to myself, "It wasn't supposed to be this way!" But it WAS supposed to be this way. Now I can see my life is beautiful and I am so thankful it didn't go according to my plans because this is so much better than anything I ever could have planned. There is so much beauty in how my life is turning out to be. I have been able to spend more time with my siblings and had my life been even slightly different I wouldn't have started my blog. I have had enough free time to participate in 3 Bible Studies that have all blessed me so much and I wouldn't have had time for this had my life been how I thought it would be. I even became a SeneGence Distributor which has been SO much fun! I have learned how to thrive even though it wasn't supposed to be this way and here are the secrets:
1. Accept where you are in life right now.
The first step towards thriving is accepting. Nothing lasts forever and however hard this may be to believe, there may come a time when you miss this period in your life.

2. Focus on the positives.
No matter what you are going through there is something good in it. Believe it and then search for it. Choose at least one thing you wouldn't be able to do or at least to focus on if things were different. The first thing is usually hardest to find but after that several more will probably come to you.

3. Count your blessings.
This goes hand in hand with focusing on the positives. Basically count your blessings and then focus on them.

4.Trust God.
This is so simple yet so hard. ACTUALLY trust God. Trust that He has you where you are for a reason and that you are in the palm of His hand. This is all for a reason, even if you never know what that reason is.
Don't just sit there and twiddle your thumbs until things start looking the way you thought they would. Do something to help someone else. No matter what you're going through and how things look just remember, it always was supposed to be this way :)
LOVE,
KENZIE

Life is like a Frappuccino

I love frappuccinos, like LOVE them. The interesting thing is I don't even like coffee. How I came to realize my love for frappuccinos was I was SO EXHAUSTED one day. I had to finish an essay for college and was trying so hard not to fall asleep. I knew I needed caffeine. I went to Starbucks and told the barista my dilemma and she recommended a Java chip frappuccino. Unfortunately at the time I didn't realize frappuccinos are like the least caffeinated drinks there are so I was still tired but I thought it was delicious. Then when I graduated from high school I got several Starbucks gift cards. Who knew there were so many different delicious frappuccino flavors? When September hit I decided I wanted to try a Fall frappuccino flavor. I marched into Starbucks and scanned their menu. I saw the salted caramel frappuccino and immediately ordered it. I love most things salted caramel. It took several sips for me to decide what I thought about it. I wasn't prepared for how bitter the coffee made it taste, but it contrasted the salty and sweet perfectly. That's when I realized life is like a frappuccino. Ironically I don't feel well as I am writing this post today. If you read my post about anxiety you know I struggle with anxiety and had some health issues in high school. The doctors never figured out exactly what was wrong but I got a lot better. Needless to say I still have days where I feel really sick. I became a Senegence makeup distributor yesterday, Senegence is THE BEST MAKEUP EVER and it's good for you. I tried Senegence and instantly fell in love with it and loved the idea of being able to work from home. One of the things that really made me decide to start a blog was the idea of being able to help encourage others and work from home and kind of around my own schedule since I still feel sick randomly sometimes. (I do not make money from blogging at the time of writing this post.) When people first meet me they often think I am fake because I am so perky. People even ask my mom if I am really, actually that happy all of the time. Most of the time, yes, I am. Of course sometimes I don't feel well or I have a bad day but put on a brave face anyway, but most of the time I am happy. People are confused by this when they hear about how sick I was for so long and often how sick I still am at times. I attribute this to the bitter and the sweet! Being happy doesn't mean life isn't hard or that everything is perfect and nothing is wrong. When you have tasted the bitter, you realize just how sweet the sweet can be. If I am out of the house no matter what I am doing I am probably happy because I know what it's like to be too sick to leave the house for long periods of time. If I had not tasted the bitter I would not realize how sweet the sweet really is and people who have super easy lives and are really successful are often not truly happy. Have you ever eaten something that is so sweet it makes you sick to your stomach? I assume that must be how their lives are, too sweet to appreciate the sweetness. Always chasing after more sweet things in life when what they are missing could actually be the bitter. The next time you are having a bad day take a moment to appreciate the bitter and the sweet in your life. Too often we only thank God for the things that are immediately apparent as blessings (the sweet) and try only focusing on what is "good." We don't realize we wouldn't appreciate the sweet without the bitter and even the things we perceive as bitter can later turn out to be our greatest blessings. Just remember, the best frappuccinos are sweet, salty and bitter and life is like a frappuccino :)
LOVE,
KENZIE

Why I don't have a Boyfriend

"What are you and your date doing for Prom?"
"Actually, I don't have a date, I'm going with a group of friends."
"Oh I'm sorry."

Why, why are you sorry? I'm not sorry. This was how most of the conversations surrounding my Senior Prom and Homecoming dance went. No one was excited that I was going with a huge group of my best friends to Prom, in fact they all pitied me because I didn't have a date but I couldn't figure out why. I never intended to go with a date and there wasn't anyone in particular I wanted to go with anyway. The questions and comments only intensify as I get older, especially in the culture I live in where it is extremely uncommon to not have a boyfriend, especially once you are 18. Then come the assumptions
"But you're so pretty though." As if I don't have a boyfriend because I'm not pretty enough to have one. Some people assume I don't have a boyfriend because I am working on myself. This is only half true. Yes, I am working on myself, and yes, I am focusing on my relationship with God. However, I would still work on myself and my relationship with God if I was in a romantic relationship. You never reach a place in life where you no longer need to work on yourself and your relationship with God and I know people who are much less mature than me in many ways in my opinion yet are in relationships. Others assume I am too quiet and shy and not forward enough. Too "old-fashioned" I suppose. This could be true to an extent, since I come across as shy perhaps I am easily overlooked. However other guys have commented on how "pretty and drama-free" I am and some guys seem to prefer quieter girls. Then there are my best friends who I'm pretty sure think I am absolutely obnoxious so I don't really know. I guess the answer to the question is kind of circular. I don't have a boyfriend because I don't have a boyfriend. I tend to be focused on my goals and I don't have time to waste. I do have trouble finding guys that have the same values and  convictions as I do and I do suppose I don't stand out much. It's also not that I don't want a boyfriend. Some people have come to the conclusion I must simply not want one. I do think it would be nice to have a boyfriend, it is simply not something I pursue. My mom and I were recently discussing goals and 5 year plans. If you know me personally you know that I LOVE kids and have always wanted a family. My mom asked me if getting married was in my 5 year plan. I told her no, it is not. She was surprised by this. I simply explained that I won't make it a goal of mine because it doesn't entirely depend on me. I have standards I won't compromise on and it really depends on when God decides to bring the man I will marry into my life. There are good things that come from being married, there are good things that come from having a boyfriend, and there are good things that come from being single. I don't have a boyfriend. That is where I am in life right now. It's not because there is something wrong with me. It's not because I'm too much or not enough. It's not even because I just don't want one. I don't have a boyfriend because I don't have a boyfriend and guess what? My life is still fun! I hang out with friends, I participate in Bible studies, I spend time with my family and I have down time. I am absolutely thriving right now and my schedule is more open. Guess what else? If I did have a boyfriend I would still be thriving! It would just be different. Wherever you are in life right now you can still thrive. You are not the only one. If you have a boyfriend, good for you! If you don't, good for you! If you keep God at the center of your life you are exactly where God wants you to be and there is no better place to be :)
LOVE,
KENZIE

Anxiety does not Define me

I have anxiety. I was diagnosed with anxiety when I was 16 years old. My counselor informed me that I was the poster child for anxiety and on a scale from 1-10 my anxiety was a 9.5 or a ten, but let me explain how I got to this point. A year and a half prior to this appointment I thought I caught a bad virus. This was concerning but not overly so until a month passed and I hadn't improved. I woke up in the middle of the night with what was later identified as a panic attack but at the time I didn't know what it was. I woke up shaking violently with my heart pounding so loud I could hardly hear and beating against my chest so hard it was painful. I could hardly breathe and no matter how much air I sucked in it felt like it didn't get into my body. I couldn't scream and I felt like I was under water. It was a terrifying experience. On top of that I was freezing all of the time, usually wearing a sweatshirt and a hoodie or two inside my house. I woke up extremely nauseous every morning and threw up most mornings. I had headaches and pain in my abdomen, was dizzy all of the time, and began rapidly losing weight. I couldn't sleep at night and had a very hard time staying awake in the daytime. I experienced heart palpitations and chest pains and all but lost the ability to keep food down. I was a straight a student who now struggled to complete 2 school subjects a day. I was painfully tired and exhausted all the time. I constantly felt like I couldn't breathe and suffered from panic attacks almost daily. This went on for 3 months. My parents and I decided that this wasn't normal and shouldn't last this long. My mom took me to the doctor. They ran some tests, I was screened for chronic illnesses, they tested the function of all of my major organs, they did tons of bloodwork and they couldn't find anything. They sent me to a Cardiologist who said I had the healthiest heart he had seen in a while. Over the course of the following year I went to 5 different Pediatricians, some who seemed to consider me a hypochondriac. I only worsened and continued to lose weight. Tests were rerun and no one could seem to figure out what was wrong with me. I couldn't believe this had lasted a year and showed no signs of stopping. Some people who knew me well and knew what was going on mentioned that while I probably did have a medical issue, I may also be suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. I completely dismissed this possibility. I refused to have anxiety. I wasn't even worried about anything. Sure my life was stressful but surely I could handle it. Secretly I wondered what people would think of me if I had anxiety. I thought it meant I was weak and crazy and that I couldn't handle my own life. The funny thing is I knew plenty of people who had anxiety and never thought less of them. Surely, however, if I had anxiety, there was something wrong with me. Finally I was desperate enough to go see a counselor. I wanted relief and didn't care how I got it. Finding out I had anxiety was a mixture of feeling crushed and relieved. At least this wasn't all just in my head. I only intended to tell a handful of people I even had anxiety. The first person I told was my friend I mentioned in a previous blog post. I thought surely he wouldn't want to be friends anymore and even if he did things would never be the same. Despite all this he had to know. I just couldn't lie to him. I was shocked when I told him and he looked me dead in the eye and said simply, "Okay, how can I help?" I thought he had to have misunderstood me but much to my surprise and delight and he simply didn't care. To him, I was still me and nothing had changed. This simple interaction empowered me to open up to others and I discovered many people had anxiety, many of them were people I had known for years and they just never told me. For a while I wrestled and struggled to accept the fact that I have anxiety and I do but through this experience I have also discovered, my anxiety does not define me. Anxiety is something that I have, not something that I am. Something else you need to know is anxiety is something that can be overcome. I have never needed medication for anxiety. I have worked very hard and in addition to not needing medication, anxiety does not typically affect my day to day life at all. I still sometimes struggle with my health issues ( to this day no one has been able to figure out exactly what is wrong with me and I have been to a couple additional doctors ) but it is not nearly as bad as it was and I can live a normal life. I have to be careful not overexert myself but I am still thriving. There is a fine line between accepting you have anxiety and not letting it define you. I have walked this line and am overjoyed to say that I am usually able do both with the support of others. If you have just been diagnosed with a mental illness or have been struggling with one for many years I just want you to know THERE IS HOPE. Other people have done it! Reach out to others and cling to God and you can get through this. A mental illness is something you have NOT something you are and it does not have to define you.
LOVE,
KENZIE